How can you be surrounded by peace and tranquil surroundings and still have anger management issues? Does even the most poised shrink completely loose it from time to time? The supreme quiet of these here Tennessee parts is giving me the chance to hear the unhealthy mental storm rumbling just beneath the fragile surface? Years of running around Manhattan like a chicken with no head and what do I have to show for it.....Some ink on the resume...little to no savings...and..........well....I can't think of anything else at the moment. Leaving a chaotic city like New York after 15 years has my ears still ringing and tricked into thinking there are cabs available at all times of the day and night even in small town USA which isn't true at all. Here you drive, even if it's my moms old green soccer van that has a Grand Canyon sticker my dad put on the back that says "Rim to Rim". He'll never know how good that is! Moving to Redneck Vegas was total culture shock where the hillbillies sit bumper to bumper in traffic on the parkway spitting black chew onto the hot asphalt and sometimes your car. Forget getting anywhere during the rod run weekend where these good ol' boys are picking their noses, yelling at busted country girls, and perfectly content to move at a glacial pace acting as a road block to my busy day. I've never known traffic of these epic proportions before even in New York City.
Moving to another town doesn't mean you can out run your personal problems no matter how hard you try. I need some time to untangle the tight sailor/navy seal knot in my chest. I need to monitor my emotional responses like a doctor watching an EKG line. Overreacting emotionally is usually my downfall especially when walking my partner through the mine field that is the second six months of getting to know the real me. I'm the guy with little dabs of girly concealer on his crows feet and childhood scar; the guy that eats his feelings at 3 am. and sleeps until he hears the Titanic museum's noon fog horn; the guy who no longer gets up before his boyfriend to gargle, freshen up, get cute...only to return to bed for my "first" morning encounter of the day. I'm a huge fraud. As Jane Krokowski said on 30 Rock...."Love is hiding who you are at all times....even when your sleeping. Love is taking a shit at the Burger King downstairs!" Chapter 2 of my autobiography "A Snowflake on the Sun" will be called Morning Breath.
How can I loosen the white knuckle grip I have on feeling different from the rest of the human race instead of one in the same? Its not even logical. Being left alone to deal with my own voices can be a dangerous deal with the devil but love seems to be the only thing to break through the Berlin wall surrounding my heart. Gratefulness, like my little brother taught me, is the key to a happy existence.
Moving to another town doesn't mean you can out run your personal problems no matter how hard you try. I need some time to untangle the tight sailor/navy seal knot in my chest. I need to monitor my emotional responses like a doctor watching an EKG line. Overreacting emotionally is usually my downfall especially when walking my partner through the mine field that is the second six months of getting to know the real me. I'm the guy with little dabs of girly concealer on his crows feet and childhood scar; the guy that eats his feelings at 3 am. and sleeps until he hears the Titanic museum's noon fog horn; the guy who no longer gets up before his boyfriend to gargle, freshen up, get cute...only to return to bed for my "first" morning encounter of the day. I'm a huge fraud. As Jane Krokowski said on 30 Rock...."Love is hiding who you are at all times....even when your sleeping. Love is taking a shit at the Burger King downstairs!" Chapter 2 of my autobiography "A Snowflake on the Sun" will be called Morning Breath.
How can I loosen the white knuckle grip I have on feeling different from the rest of the human race instead of one in the same? Its not even logical. Being left alone to deal with my own voices can be a dangerous deal with the devil but love seems to be the only thing to break through the Berlin wall surrounding my heart. Gratefulness, like my little brother taught me, is the key to a happy existence.
Lovers........friends.......no one is safe. Yesterday I went on a DayQuil tare which is something I deeply regret. It's a drug to be avoided at all cost in my case. It seems to act as a truth serum and opens the verbal texting damn of suppressed thoughts that come tumbling out, flooding the unsuspecting offender blind sided. I'm generally a very quiet person (with a blog) and keep to myself professionally. I refuse to do keroke at the local Brewery and then wonder why the kids don't bother asking me out when its time to go kiki it up at the clrrrrrrb. It's my fault. Most people don't hang out with their coworkers every night of course but my social life has taken a tragic turn or the worst landing me in Hillbilly Vegas Pigeon Forge y'all. It's of my own doing because Knoxville is a bitch for gas and most of my real connections are in NYC anyway. Not to mention I turned around one day and felt old as hell! The next chapter hopefully will have more patience and kindness subduing the jade and it will melt away slowly like a little blue Valium trickling down from the top of my frozen margarita.
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