I Do?

            It’s a rare thing for me to to be so excited for a party. This particular event is the dream wedding of one of my besties! Normally you are friends with just one of the bridal parties. You always fall into one of two categories...his or hers. But in this case I am also good friends with the handsome groom. When people commit to each other for a lifetime it still isn’t that much time when you think about it. A long human life is really short in the grand scheme of things. With the exception of childhood sweethearts and red necks, people seem to find their life partner after the dust starts to settle from their chaotic twenties. At least that’s what I’m telling myself!

          I had to slip out for a few minutes from the raging reception. The music blares out and over the garden wall into the hot summer night. The huge white Japanese tent pierces the black sky in the middle of a gorgeous state park in Virginia. My face hurts from smiling all day. Weddings are the grandest gesture of legal love in our society and are a lot for a single gay guy to take in. I feel stuck in limbo sometimes with the whole concept of marriage. I’ve been to my share of weddings but there’s something really special about this one.  It's more than these two just merging their worlds on paper. It is officially a very happy day indeed.
             As I stand on the outside of Christina and Jason’s life together and look in I notice how nothing has really changed in their behavior towards one another after the I do’s were said. Their individuality hasn’t changed either. This governmental stamp has only cleaned up some of their paperwork. Their commitment was solid from the day they met in Japan. It was on. He had her at "Hajimemashite!"  "I had a feeling.....that tonight’s gonna be a good good night" in the words of the Black Eyed Peas blaring.  The music is blasting over the wall of the nature preserve and people are throwing back almond champeign like the world is ending tomorrow.....when in fact.....it's just beginning!  

           I don’t want to focus on all the things lacking in my life and what I don’t have (like a man or Broadway) because that’s exactly what I’ll continue to manifest. Every year around May 18th my little brother calls me and reminds me how precious life is and how every year is a gift from the universe. It’s hard to really believe that sometimes. You really start to realize that if you’ve ever out lived a close friend that’s around your age. When my friend died unexpectedly at twenty eight years old I began to see how lucky I was to be alive at all.

         I think a good grasp of mortality is just what the doctor ordered when it comes to surviving the thirty year quarterly year hump. Once I leapt that nauseating hurdle thirty-one was no big deal. I sailed through my last birthday free and clear of the usual panic attacks that come in seasonal waves of professional regret. I totally flipped out in Tokyo on my thirtieth birthday while I was on tour with Xanadu. I wasn’t prepared at all to step one foot into my blurry adult future holding onto nothing more than a dance belt and some debt. New York hasn’t turned out to be what I had imagined when I moved here at nineteen. Did I really think I was going to be starring in Rent a few days after I landed at La Guardia for the first time?  But I’ve proudly threaded together twelve years of shows that make up one D-list career.

         I’m out side taking a moment to hide from the pressure of joining a fifty person conga line that was winding around the patio when I left.  Also I have a fear of getting pushed into one of those horrific public dance circles that you can only escape by doing some awkward nightmarish hip-hop solo, coffee grinder, or the worm!  My face still hurts. I love love and I don’t want to miss my prince charming because I’m looking in the mirror. Did "the one" walk right by me while I was dabbing cover-up on a tiny scar that only I can see?  Cultivating personal happiness isn’t easy and is a full time job. You have to work on it like you would a good tan. Is he out there? Am I ready if he is?
         Also, I don’t want to be anybody’s first anything...first kiss...first love...first time! I feel like you have to make some mistakes to know how to avoid some of the pot holes in the road. First relationships rarely work out. But I also don’t want to find myself as rebound road-kill either for some dude who is looking for me to perfectly match his puzzle piece. I want a guy to be self-completed already. I don't need another project and I certainly don't want to be one! Venus rules everything around me and I hope that one day she’ll lead me straight into the arms of some salt n’ pepper daddy that is in his forties and in no way involved in show business. I can’t date a twink wearing angel wings and glitter that uses phrases like “I’m feeling totes grumps today!”
        I’m just trying to become the man I’d eventually like to meet one day. Give me a guy that isn’t scared of the fine print that comes in a contract with me. I come with all kinds of special clauses and endless loop holes with extra footnotes explaining my unusual take on what a relationship is going to be like with me. When the door to the bird cage is left open then I don't want to break free.  Sometimes I get stuck obsessing over what’s just on the other side of the fence. An internal alarm goes off inside me if something is about to sour or go stale.  I’ve never been faced with jealousy because I’ve never been in an open relationship before. I know that they are out there and that they exist.  But finding that perfect balance of trust and experimentation might be a life long casting search for me for a show that never opens. Who knows, I might hate it once I tried it! How can you share your boyfriend if you hate sharing tapas at a restaurant? The inner fat girl in me hates the idea of sharing food! Where Oh where is my exclusivity gene? Straight couples very rarely have open sexual arrangements like that of their gay counterparts. I find love in freedom but that puts me in a risky, lonely category. I mean didn’t everyone’s mother teach them to share anyway? If monogamy feels forced then something’s wrong. If you look into the eyes of your man and know....then you know! Christina knows and isn’t plagued by the what ifs in the world like I am. I want to know too. Not that marriage is even legal here in progressive ol' New York City, but I truly love the idea of it. Maybe one day that will be in the cards for me? There’s a line from one of my favorite country songs that says “I’m scared of love but scared of life alone.”